It being Thanksgiving and all I thought it would be appropriate to make a little gratitude list. Even though it was only shoulder surgery, when you're on the gurney with all the activity going on as they're about to put you out, you have a chance to contemplate about what is really important in life...and I did.
1. My Sobriety - Wouldn't have any of the rest without it.
2. My wife Michele - My old idea about marriage was that you got married and you gradually got more miserable as time went on. My experience of marriage has been the opposite. For that I'm grateful.
3. My friends in recovery - You have given me a life I never thought possible.
4. All my other friends - Thank you.
5. My Family - Sure we put the "funk" in dis-funk-tion. But they're mine.
6. My wife's friends and family - It's nice to feel a part of something bigger.
7. My Business- I have a job when many don't. I have food on the table when many don't.
8. Health - Friends and family are healthy.
9. Faith- My spiritual life continues to grow and I continue to learn. I hope I never lose an open mind.
I'm sure there's more but that should cover it for now. Happy Thanksgiving everybody and I hope you take a moment to think about what you're grateful for.
On Monday morning I have shoulder surgery. I'd been trying to put it off, but after surfing twice last week and not being able to lift my arm without intense pain, it was time. I have two potential outcomes at this point. Either a 6 week recovery or a 5 month recovery and I won't know till after it's done. So send good vibes my way. Five months of no activity would not be good for my mental health. Pic for good luck:
My wife thinks I'm a 16 year old girl with all my blogging, facebooking, twittering, etc. but I have to tell you sometimes all this stuff really pays off.
For several years I'd been doing an art blog which for its scope, was/is pretty successful, but late last year after reading this blog I thought I'd like to do a blog that was a bit more personal and that just would be a slice of my life. It was an attempt on my part to open up. Over the years I have been often accused by many friends that I'm a pretty closed off person. I thought this blog would be a way for me to open up a bit. It's still a work in progress.
All this is just a way to get you to look at this blog. Brene Brown's blog is the blog I want to write, with some surfing thrown in for good measure. Her B-Day post is the best thing I've read on a blog in a long time. I feel that way because she puts in writing so eloquently the struggle I've been going through the last couple of years. Who knew I'm looking to become more authentic?? But that's it in a nutshell.
The other day I was telling a friend that the awareness that has come to me over the last two years about how I've been living my life is sometimes liking drinking from a fire hose. It gets intense. But then when you read a post like Dr. Brown's it all begins to make sense and speaks to that part of you that knows you are on the right track. All of these questions she listed are the questions of been struggling to answer over the last couple of years. Some examples:
Am I still desperatly searching for belonging?
Do I still feel empty even though I have most of the things that were supposed to make me feel happy and whole?
As time begins to move faster, am I spending any of it doing work that I truly love?
Am I really treating the important people in my life like they are the most important?
Am I too busy accumulating and proving myself to be still and be grateful for what I have?
Am I becoming increasingly judgmental toward others because I’m becoming increasingly aware of my own limitations?
Am I becoming more self-protected because my vulnerability is increasingly undeniable?
Am I more certain and definite because faith is too big of a risk in our uncertain world?
Can I stop being who I am supposed to be long enough to figure out who I am?
Maybe my wife is right. I really am a sensitive 16 year old girl. But if accepting that means getting free, then where's my Prom Dress?!?!
Sometimes I'll hear a song and get crushingly sad. I recently re-discovered the album Power, Corruption and Lies by New Order. I lived on this album in 85/86 when things in my life were pretty confusing and depressing. I was really surprised I had none of it on my iPod nor on CD in the house. I suppose I needed a break or was subconsciously avoiding hearing it because when I listen to this thing it brings me right back. Well yesterday I was watching Wayne's World 2 when a bit of Age of Consent came on and I promptly went upstairs and downloaded it. I've been reminiscing ever since. I can look back at it now with a little more distance but it still churns me up. I'm curious, is there an album does that to you?
I was going to write something about the Holidays fast approaching and the trials and tribulations that come with all that but instead I just want to say that I'm looking forward to the Holiday season. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving with family and friends. (growth!) I'm looking forward to to decorating the house and getting our tree. I'm looking forward to all the cheesy Xmas TV shows of my youth. I'm looking forward to exchanging gifts with my wife even though we are attempting to keep it low budget. I'm even starting to plan a special Xmas dinner I want to cook for Michele. I'm hopeful that I will take time to be in the moment and spend quality time with people I really care about, old friends and new. And I'm ready for any change of plans, I will go with the flow. (wish me luck) How about you?
This Sunday is the Patchwork Indie Arts & Crafts Festival in Santa Ana. And if anybody wants to go with me let me know. There's over 60 vendors participating. I need to start buying Michele some presents.